Bret Michaels we hardly knew ye

So I'm going to blog about my Bret Michaels concert experience. My sister and I went to Wild Adventures in Valdosta, GA to see him October 10. We had front row seats because seriously, what other kinds of seats are there at a freakin' concert?? Anyways, we get there early thinking we may get our fat asses on a few of the cheesy rides - well it's hot as Hades, then it rains...and gets hotter and more humid.

We start looking around the arena and find a couple of young girls who are nosing around like we are, wanting to find some action. We see an open door and head on in. It's the back of an area where you win all these over priced fair toys...but it's also got a fence that peers into the bus area. We stand for a minute chatting with these teeny boppers about how we want to dry hump Bret Michaels when lo and behold Big John walks by the fence. We scream and holler like it was the second coming of the Messiah. Big John just kind of waves us off like yeah, whateva. The fine upstanding Wild Adventure police men security guys look at us like we have just committed murder of the most heinous kind and tell us we aren't supposed to be back there. Really now? "But the door was open and there was no keep out sign..."

We decide we're gonna leave the park and go eat - we can get back in with our season pass - what rednecks - or have our hand stamped as we leave. We choose to have our hand stand cause we're rednecks.

So we leave and drive down a ways to the Japanese steak house - Mori. Not fancy, but certainly not where you would expect to meet the Beverly Hillbillies. I swear, it was a sight to see - two men, two women, and two beautiful children - we don't know who belonged to whom. Neither of the men sat beside the women....things that make you go hmmmm..

Have ya ever been to a Japanese steak house? They feed you tons of food - soup, salad, rice, vegetables, meat and some even give you sherbet for dessert!! Well Jethro had been to Mori before and didn't get full...now he was a big man, but let me tell you - this guy ordered two full dinners, plus an extra order of shrimp. Only 1 soup - no mushrooms please - only 1 salad - no dressing please - then 2 orders of rice, 2 orders of steak, 3 orders of shrimp, and two orders of vegetables - no mushrooms, please.

He ate every damn bit of it. Sis and I were floored....but it was a good time. Needless to say, sis and I only had 1 meal each.

We buy tshirts and laminated photos cause we're rednecks.

We then make our way to the front row. There we find this really obnoxious girl standing there with like 5th row seats talking to some other girls, thinking she's gonna stand there till the show starts then take her place in front. Hell to tha no - this crazy wench keeps going back to her seat,then coming back, then going back to her seat....she finally sits her big lard ass down, but not before I tell Sis I'm gonna kick me some non front row seat sitting ASS.

Then - Big John comes over the mic and says for everybody that doesn't have reserve seats to move down and fill in the seats cause they are filming a VH1 special. So actually they want to make it seem like it was sold out when it really was a bust....

Bret comes on and he is fine - yes fine - all 5 feet 8 160 pounds of him. Got pretty tattooed arms though. We scream and yell and raise our hands up hoping to get a touch of sweat - but he passes us by - he grabs hold of the hand to my right, skips me, skips Sis, then keeps grabbing hands on the way down the row. What, are we fat? Uh.....ugly? Sweaty? (yes) It was so damn hot I thought I was gonna pass freakin out.

He sings mostly Poison songs, which I know and can sing - thank goodness cause I know no Bret Michaels songs, except the line - "Please, let me be your Rock of Love." You would think the name of that song would be "Rock of Love", but I don't think it is.

The highlight is "Every Rose has it's Thorn." Oh my goodness gracious, wish I had my lighter with me - I must admit I know every stinking word, every sigh, every background vocal of that God awful power ballad - I really love that song - I'm just trying to write good funny stuff.

We were standing right in front of a speaker the whole night and my insides felt like they were going to vibrate right out of me before the night was one - I think I may have lost a kidney.....had one splitting ass headache as well.....

There are panties and bras throwed on the stage, it was hilarious. We finally do grab a hold of him and my Sis rubs her damn hand all up the man's leg - TWICE!!! I try to cop me a feel but I don't want the real Cops coming after me and throwing me out for indecent conduct. Sis don't care though, she getting her freak on big time - then the bass player comes over and shakes his sweaty long ass hair on me....yuck - I about upchucked my Hibachi chicken.

So after the one song encore, he signs the little laminated pictures, but on the other end of the stage, not ours.....we got plenty of good pics for Facebook though. We leave thinking we are really gonna get on the Rock of Love bus, ok? We are scoping out the scene and then realize that something's going on near the gate to the concert. Lo and behold it's the band members posing for pictures and signing autographs and whatever....you know we head our big butts right on over there and I see....I know I seee.....BRET MICHAELS signing autographs and posing for pictures. I'm poking Sis saying "There he is, there he is, there he is, right there" and she is saying "NO, that is not him." I'm like "Hell, yes it is" and I'm about to go to him in my sober redneck state and pose and scream and slather all over him when I realize........thankfully in time - it's Larry the imposter. Ah, God help Larry, he was working the crowd, signing autographs, posing for pictures, even had some really FAT chick rubbing his hair extensions down for him. He had the bandanna, and even the exact same jeans Bret was wearing during the show. Poseur.......what a geek.

So we got to meet all the band, Big John, who was the most awesomest 6'7" creature I have ever met and Mindy from Rock of Love Bus was there, I guess still pining for Bret....a good time